Activism blues

My body is loosing it’s mind, I don’t know what is really hurting more; the fact that I can’t move my swollen knee or the fact that things are getting out of hands and I am sinking in a kind of a nervous breakdown.

I am an activist and work passionately on women’s rights in my country. But some days, I experience an “emotional fall” which is usually accompanied by a physical illness that gives a tragic look to it. During those times, demons start roaming around, as they have been for the past couple of days when I was stuck in bed with an infectious swollen knee, unable to move.

During times like this, I start doubting and questioning everything; my work, my approach, and the things I believe in and fight for.

Fear is the second thing that comes to my mind; fear of not being able to do things as they should be, fear of hurting others, fear of being harassed for my work, fear of putting others in danger.

Loneliness comes when everything else fails. She stays with me until the end of this crisis situation to remind me, that not every moment you will find solidarity around you, that sometimes when you are pushing the limits too far, chances are that loneliness will hang in there for a while. And when I am talking about loneliness I am not assuming that nobody is around you, helping out. I mean more that nobody really understand your moves or opinions on certain things. And you feel alienated from the rest and if you are living in a region like South Caucasus, it’s common to feel like that most of the time.

I am writing this while in a lot of pain (knee pain) and if I read it again tomorrow I will probably not put it on the blog, because often it is difficult to admit that your work is emotionally draining you. It is hard because, most of the people around you will jump on this opportunity to tell you loud and clear: “enough already, why do you want to save the world, think of yourself first!”

But the thing is, I am thinking of myself when I am jumping actively in defending this or that issue related to women in my country and when I am actively working on this or that project, traveling around the regions, listening to women, their pain and their needs, as well as mine, that I am trying to listen to and find solutions for.

Tomorrow will be a better day. I am sure of it. I need to hang in there until the pain goes away. I mean the knee pain.